Leadership is Lonely: A Personal Perspective as an Engineering Manager

بِسْــــــــــــــــــمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful

June 23, 2023

Introduction

As an engineering manager overseeing relatively large teams of almost 30 engineers, I have experienced firsthand the loneliness that can come with leadership positions. The increased responsibility and decision-making can create a sense of isolation. Managing larger teams brings with it a greater level of responsibility, making it challenging to establish deep connections with each individual. The lack of relatable peers who understand leaders’ unique challenges also contributes to this loneliness. The ongoing tech winter, where every tech company is pressured to make more profit and efficiency, adds a layer of difficulty. In this article, I will explore the reasons behind this loneliness, the emotional toll it can take, and the strategies to combat it, including seeking support, creating something outside of work, fostering open communication, navigating the challenges of the tech industry, managing performance in the face of budget constraints, and personal advice for aspiring engineering managers.

Managing Larger Teams

Managing larger teams brings with it a greater level of responsibility. As an engineering manager, I am accountable for the success and well-being of each team member. This means overseeing their work and providing guidance, mentorship, and support. However, the sheer size of the team can make it challenging to establish deep connections with each individual.

With a team of this size, it is impossible to have biweekly regular one-on-one meetings with every team member. As a result, I have been forced to adjust the frequency of these meetings. For non-lead/non-PIC team members, I have had to shift to monthly one-on-ones, reserving the biweekly slots for tech leads and PICs in my team. While this adjustment is necessary to manage the workload, it can create a sense of disconnection among some team members.

Lack of Peers

Another aspect that contributes to the loneliness of leadership is the lack of peers who truly understand the challenges leaders face. While colleagues in similar positions may work in different organizations or industries, making it difficult to relate to each other’s experiences. This lack of relatability can contribute to loneliness and a sense that no one truly understands a leader’s unique challenges.

With peers who can empathize and provide support, leaders may feel safe in their decision-making and problem-solving processes. They may need a sounding board for ideas, a source of advice, or someone to share their experiences with. This can further exacerbate the sense of loneliness and make navigating the complexities of leadership challenging.

Making Hard Decisions in Performance Management and the Ongoing Tech-Winter

Performance management is an area where the loneliness of leadership becomes particularly evident, especially in the context of the ongoing tech winter. The tech winter, where every tech company is pressured to make more profit and efficiency, can complicate performance management further. Budget constraints may limit the ability to provide rewards or incentives to high-performing team members, making it challenging to motivate and retain top talent.

As a leader, I am responsible for assessing the performance of each team member and making decisions that impact their career progression and the team’s overall success. This can involve difficult conversations, providing constructive feedback, and even making tough choices such as performance improvement plans or, in extreme cases, termination. These decisions can be emotionally challenging and contribute to a sense of isolation. Balancing the needs of the individual with those of the team and the organization can result in unpopular or difficult decisions. It can be lonely to bear the weight of these choices and navigate potential backlash or criticism.

The ongoing tech winter adds a layer of pressure and stress. The constant drive for increased productivity and cost-cutting measures can create a high-stress environment. Leaders are often caught between upper management’s demands and their team members’ well-being. This can further contribute to loneliness and isolation, as leaders may feel the weight of these expectations without a transparent support system.

The Emotional Toll and Sense of Isolation

The emotional toll of leadership can be significant. Dealing with people and managing complex dynamics can be challenging and, at times, even overwhelming. Constant pressure to perform, make tough decisions, and maintain professionalism can affect one’s emotional well-being.

The isolation can be further exacerbated by needing more peers who genuinely understand leaders’ challenges. While colleagues in similar positions may work in different organizations or industries, making it difficult to relate to each other’s experiences. This lack of relatability can contribute to loneliness and a sense that no one truly understands a leader’s unique challenges.

Seeking Support and Guidance

While leadership positions can be lonely, there are ways to combat this isolation and create a support system. One effective remedy is establishing a circle or network of neutral friends with similar organizational responsibilities. These individuals understand leadership roles’ unique challenges and pressures and can provide a safe space for sharing experiences, seeking advice, and offering support.

Having a circle of neutral friends allows leaders to openly discuss challenges and concerns without fear of judgment or repercussions. These friends can provide a sounding board for ideas, offer different perspectives, and share their experiences. They can also provide emotional support during difficult times and help leaders navigate the complexities of their roles.

Creating Something Outside of Work

Another way to combat loneliness as a leader is to create something outside of work. Engaging in hobbies, pursuing personal projects, or participating in activities unrelated to work can provide a much-needed break from the pressures of leadership and help alleviate feelings of isolation.

For example, in my personal experience, I have found solace and fulfillment in writing at AyoKoding, a platform where I share my knowledge and insights with the engineering community. This personal project allows me to express my creativity, connect with like-minded individuals, and contribute to the growth and development of others. Engaging in activities outside of work can help broaden perspectives, foster new connections, and bring a sense of joy and fulfillment.

Personal Advice: Don’t Be an Engineering Manager for the Money

While leadership positions can be lonely and challenging, the rewards are equally worthwhile. Witnessing the growth and success of your team can be incredibly fulfilling. Seeing the impact of your guidance and support on their professional development can make the loneliness and difficult decisions worthwhile.

However, it is essential to note that being an engineering manager should not be solely driven by the desire for financial gain. Dealing with people and managing complex dynamics requires a different skill set and mindset than a pure individual contributor. If financial motivation is the primary driver, it may be better to take on the role of an engineering manager. Instead, consider focusing on becoming a highly skilled contributor, where the challenges may differ, but the path may be equally rewarding.

While engineering managers may not always have the highest salaries, highly skilled individual contributors can often command higher pay. By focusing on honing technical skills and becoming an expert in your field, you can earn a higher salary as an individual contributor. This can be an attractive option for those who prioritize financial gain and prefer to avoid the challenges and responsibilities that come with leadership positions.

Conclusion

In conclusion, as an engineering manager overseeing large teams, I have experienced the loneliness that can come with leadership positions. The increased responsibility and decision-making can create a sense of isolation. However, by establishing a support network of neutral friends, seeking guidance from mentors or coaches, fostering open communication, navigating the challenges of the tech industry, managing performance in the face of budget constraints, and approaching the role for the right reasons, leaders can combat this loneliness and find solace in their journey.

While leadership positions can be lonely and challenging, the rewards of seeing your team grow and succeed make the effort worthwhile. It is essential to carefully consider motivations and aspirations before taking on the role of an engineering manager, as it requires a different set of skills and may not be solely driven by financial gain. By seeking support and guidance, creating something outside of work, and maintaining connections with team members, leaders can navigate the challenges of their roles and find fulfillment in their professional journey.